“Human Female Reluctantly Visits Gym. Meets Goddesses That Defy Science. Proceeds to ‘Get Over it’ at McDonald’s.”

One of my “resolutions” this year is to begin exercising more regularly. I use “quotes” because I readily acknowledge that I’m not 100% committed to this idea.

Just keepin’ it real in 2015, y’all.

As a half-hearted attempt to at least be able to say “I went… once” in anticipation of someone asking me how often I’m going to the gym upon discovering my “resolution,” I used a guest pass and agreed to accompany my friend to her gym today.

I learned two things during this trip to the gym.

The first thing is that McDonald’s is a relentless temptress and she doesn’t give a fuck about your New Year’s resolutions.

McDonald’s: “Oh, were you trying to get in shape? Here, let me situate myself right next door to the gym you’ll be frequenting all year.”

McDonald’s again: “Why are you using that entrance? Are you trying to avoid making eye contact with me? It’s fine.  You can just stare at my bodacious golden arches for an hour through the windows while you’re using the stair master on the second floor. Your lips say ‘no,’ but your heart says ‘fries.’”

Well, joke’s on you McDonald’s—I’m not coming back to this gym which means you won’t even get the chance to have your way with me.

The second thing is that sweat are tears secreted by my body, imploring me to stop being active. Other girls about my age came in to the gym at the same time my friend and I arrived and they looked WAY better than I did after working out for an hour.  I looked blotchy; like my face was melting and my spirit was broken. These majestic creatures—and I can testify that they were putting in work at the gym—looked like they had barely broken a sweat. On the contrary, their faces were glowing and they looked revitalized as if they had just woken up from a peaceful slumber.

How is this possible?!

Is it just good genes? Do they regularly sacrifice lambs to the Prince of Darkness?

I might never know.

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