“3-Year-Old, Not Content With Being the Center of Attention at Her Own Birthday Party, Steals Spotlight During Unemployed Woman’s Job Interview. Unemployed Woman Probably Staying Unemployed.”

Guess which future productive member of society had an interview today.

Yeah, there’s only one person you and I “know”—that we’re sure of—and it’s me. I don’t know why I didn’t just make a straightforward statement in the first place. Well, anyway:

I HAD A JOB INTERVIEW TODAY!!!

I want to print out the e-mail confirmation of my job interview, frame it and nail it to the ceiling area over my bed so that I can wake up to it everyday and remind myself that I, too, have what it takes to be a desirable job candidate. For every 20 jobs that I apply to, I’m lucky if I even get one response these days. I haven’t had a job interview since early November, so even if I don’t get the job, I really needed this pick me-up. Thanks for throwing me a bone powers that be.

I want to shout this good news from the rooftops and I want everyone from the high heavens to the depths of hell to hear it. I want St. Peter to stop in the middle of checking his VIP list at the pearly gates, put up a hand, halt the line with an “Oh, hold up,” listen to my cries of unbridled enthusiasm, wink at me from above and yell “Good for you girl!” As for the other end of the spectrum, I’d rather Satan not find out about this— people always come out of the woodwork when you start making money and where was he when I was willing to do questionable things on the regular in exchange for full-time employment? NOT IN MY CORNER.

This is the part where I rave about how well my job interview went, but if I did that I would be lying. Well, Momma didn’t raise no liar. No, instead she raised an asocial, albeit charming young woman whom, at worst, steals worthless knickknacks from bars when she’s really drunk and has a strong unwillingness towards asking people if they want a piece of what she’s eating.

The interview didn’t go too well but not because I hadn’t prepared. I got the feeling that maybe they already had a few people in mind that somebody in the company already knew and that they were only bringing in people to interview as a formality. It was clear to me that the hiring manager hadn’t read my resume in a long time and might have even forgotten that she scheduled an interview with me. When she saw me waiting in the lobby she raised her eyebrows and partially opened her mouth in way that said “Oh fuck, I forgot.” I am very familiar with this expression because it’s an expression my own face has honed over the years.

She’s a busy lady and she’s probably interviewing several people—really, I get it— but she didn’t even give me a chance. She would glance over my resume, ask me questions and with out missing a beat or giving me any chance whatsoever to answer, she would immediately answer her own questions by reading portions of my resume out loud. Then she went on a tangent about how she had been busy planning a birthday party for her three year old. I tried to get the interview back on track but failed miserably. Finally, I gave up and just ended up going with it. The interview ended with me plugging pinterest for decoration ideas and suggesting bouncy houses.

Well, at least I made it out of the house before 2pm today. Again, I retreated to my sanctuary: the video rental place.

I think the Video Clerk and I are on speaking terms now.

Video Clerk: “Hot date?”

Me: “What?”

Video Clerk:  “You look different. You’re all dressed up.”

Me: “Oh, this! No, I just had a job interview today. “ pause  “Wait, you think I’d wear a pantsuit to a date?”

Video Clerk: “I think you should wear whatever you want on a date. Why not? A power suit would probably weed out the intimidated losers”

Me: Narrowly avoids melting into a puddle of feminist dribble but regains composure when she realizes that the video clerk has gotten “too comfortable”.

Great. Once you start talking to people that work at your stomping grounds there’s no going back. I used to frequent a 7-eleven a lot until one day the cashier went “Heeeey, it’s YOU!” What the fuck, man. Can’t you just pretend I don’t come here a solid four times a week to buy unhealthy snacks? That was also the day he started examining the labels and grimacing at my snack choices as he was scanning my items. TOO COMFORTABLE.

Now I’m going to have to feign interest in whether or not it was a “long day”.  What if he starts commenting on my movie choices out loud? It’s none of your goddamn business if I just rented Working Girl for a third time this week! It’s an inspirational story about an ambitious, hard-working and intelligent woman trying to make a dollar out of 15 cents and that it only ever gets reduced to the romantic comedy genre is a damn shame! Also, Han Solo’s the leading man in the movie (and in my dreams).

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