“Friendless Woman Learns Strangers are not New Friends Waiting to be Met the Hard Way. Hopes to be Able to Purchase Friendship in Lieu of Sex.”

Since my best friend moved across the country a month and a half ago, I’ve been looking for replacements and I am having a DIFFICULT time finding one because, as it turns out, I am not a socially graceful person.

And, that—for lack of any interest of getting into embarrassing details—is how I came to be on a first name basis with Video Clerk Guy, whose real name is actually Dano.

Dano is a few years older than me but he’s working a younger man’s job as a video clerk because his uncle owns the place and he can’t land a job which makes me feel like less of a loser at my age. Hey—its only fucked up if I say it to his face and I feel like there’s a very slim chance he’ll ever come across this blog since he claims to have a distaste for social media and the like because “they tout distorted versions of people and half the fun is getting to know what people are really like.” When he told me this I responded with, “You may not have a Facebook or an Instagram but deep down you’re still a self-important asshole like the rest of us” and that made him laugh so I think we’re still friends—if I can call him that to begin with.

I asked Tabs how she planned on making new friends in New York and she said she had already bribed a lot of her coworkers into liking her by inviting them out and buying them drinks. She admitted it was hard for her to round up all of her coworkers for after-work drinks so she sometimes invites some of them for a one-on-one hang. I told her she might be misleading them and that I foresaw her breaking a lot of hearts in the near future.

Tabitha: “Am not! I think that’s a bit of a reach, Sam.”

Me: “You would know a lot about reaching out too much—wouldn’t you, you white-collar pimp?!”

Tabitha: “You would know a lot about pimps—wouldn’t you, you blue-collar whore?!”

Me: “Whores are hard-working women that are just trying to hustle for their nugget so I choose to take that as a compliment.”

Tabitha: “And pimps are businessmen with indomitable entrepreneurial spir… NOPE. I’ve seen too many documentaries—most of them, if not all of them, are horrible”

Me: “Yeah, sorry, I could’ve given you something better to work with”

Seriously though, how do we live in a world where sex is sold on corners but not friendship? Screw the Johns (no pun intended)! What about the Janices of the world that just want someone to eat burritos with and talk about who got fat from high school? What about us, World?!

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